I used to work in what I found a busy, high-urgency environment. My boss was high achieving and ambitious and though what we were doing was certainly NOT a matter of life or death, the atmosphere was often tense and not surprisingly a lot of drama ensued.

Several members of staff left.

I stayed on.

I could see my boss was a good person struggling with a lot. I also thought I could make the situation better, for them, for me.

I tried and I tried and I tried and I tried… til I CRIED!

And then, I tried some more.

I tried and I tried (and had a chokey throat a lot of that time), until I literally made myself ill.

I didn't make the connection directly at that moment, but as my illness developed into a long term fatigue which I just couldn't shake, my wisdom (despite my despair), pointed me to look at the mind/ body/ adrenal connection to all that I'd been thinking and feeling over that time.

To cut a potentially long story short: we cannot (HOWEVER hard we try!) control what is happening around us: but we are in (some sort) of control of how we think about our thoughts about what is happening around us (worth reading that sentence twice, as it can be a bit of headblast – if you want to know more, Michael Neill’s TEDX talk is a good place to start).

In short: I made myself ill from beating myself up about not coping better in the situation I found myself in.

Looking back I think three things:

1. Maybe knowing what I know now, I might have found more love for myself and my boss to have seen with compassion the mess we were in - the losing battle we were fighting going about life that way - and maybe that might have made things tenable.

2. Maybe knowing what I know now, I might have called it quits earlier, before getting ill and removed myself from a situation that wasn’t good for me.

But maybe, (thing number 3), the struggle, the illness, the learning, was all ‘part of the plan’; part of life playing itself out the way it was meant to.

I would not be the person I am today (well not entirely…!) without that important, tough, part of my journey.

Postscript: I realised the other day that there is no longer any emotion attached to that experience – the struggle, the illness – just a fondness for the person and people we were back then, and gratitude for the opportunity it presented for growth.

I cannot tell you how my life has changed since deeply seeing that we are all God - or if that sits funnily with people, that we are all the Intelligence behind Life.

Life is playing us, as much as we are playing life.

Since deeply seeing this, my life has become more light-hearted and fun. Relationships are easier, decision-making no longer an issue, anxiety about not doing things ‘right’ has disappeared, I have fresh thinking and creative ideas on a regular basis.

Of course we dip in and out of remembering this - quite significant - fact on a daily basis.

But now I *know* this fact, the times I DO slip out of remembering that life is playing us (that life’s got our back, that all we need to do is to soften, to love, to trust and life takes care of the rest) are far less of an issue - they’re part of the Game we’re all playing.